MANAGING MELTDOWNS: 5 Powerful Strategies You Won't Find in Parenting Books

If we know our children have difficulty handling certain situations, books and experts agree that preparation and problem solving ahead of time with your child can help. “Last night when I told you it was time for bed, it didn’t go so well. What can we do differently this time?” This is what you will read in many parenting books and it’s great advice. And it can work nicely. AND….. sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes our children (especially those who are neurodiverse) forget our brilliant conversation and fantastic strategies for managing dysregulation. And they still melt down. So where does that leave us? 

Feeling powerless? Angry? Impatient? Perplexed? Demoralized? What a mixture. For me, the main issue was a feeling of powerlessness - which led to anger (I don’t like feeling powerless) and feeling utterly demoralized. I’m sure perplexed was also in there as well.

Real Life Example: My 18 year old is a fantastic kid - he’s smart, motivated, responsible… all the things a parent wants. AND, when he was young…. All hell broke loose at any given time. I recently came across some of the logs I had kept (his therapist’s suggestion) to track the outbursts, noting any observable preceding trigger, his overall mood, the kind of day he had, etc. I absolutely cannot remember it taking an hour just to get him in the bathtub due to the screaming and crying or the time he was throwing things at me from the backseat of the car as I drove. I must have blocked it out. But there it was - full pages, single spaced describing the screaming & yelling, hitting and kicking, and the tears (so many tears on both parts). The fits were spontaneous (I place a spoon on the table in the wrong place), violent and intense. It left me drained and so, so angry. And I’m a therapist for goodness sake!!!

So if we can’t control (operative word here) our children’s behavior and nothing seems to work, I will ask again, where does that leave us?

It leaves us with our own preparation. I know, I know - if one more person had told me to take a breath or count to ten before dealing with my out of control 6 year-old, I would have screamed. But, we need to remember that our children are young, they react emotionally rather than intellectually. And (here it comes) WE CANNOT CONTROL THEM! We can guide them, teach them and support them but we cannot control them.

However, we can control ourselves and our reactions to different situations. We do it all the time in everyday situations. Yes, it’s different when it’s your child and your emotions are on high alert and all enmeshed. But it is possible. Take it from a (still) very reactive and emotional person who continue to have to work hard to respond with calm and the objective toward the bigger picture in mind.

1) Anticipate the Challenge. If we can anticipate the oncoming challenge of objective that needs to be accomplished and play out different scenarios in our heads before the moment, we can usually find ways to maintain our cool and manage the moment with less drama. We have to keep in mind that a lot of the frustration occurs when we feel out of control. Anticipating and planning for meltdowns returns control to us.

Real Life Example: When my children were young and I knew there were choppy waters ahead, I sometimes put my therapist-hat on and approached it as I would a client. Yes, of course they were my children. But putting on my clinician’s hat for a moment (or pretending that my child was the neighbor's kid) gave me the emotional distance I needed in that moment to look at the situations dispassionately and get us both through to the other side.

And there are other elements that we can control. Aside from planning strategies for our child, it’s important for us to have things in our toolbox to help prepare for the next blow out.

2) Take a Step Back and Manage Our Expectations. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a step back and create a bit of emotional distance. This can give us just enough space to be in the moment in a moment dispassionate way, thereby becoming a bit less emotionally reactive. It can help to step back and look at the big picture at times. Let’s not forget that our children are children. They do not have the ability to manage all the incoming stimuli and challenges that our experiences have taught us over the years. They are just beginning to have those experiences that teach us and shape the person we ultimately become. We have to remember where they are developmentally, intellectually, emotionally.

Real Life Example: I once watched a teacher scold a particularly fidgety 3 year-old who couldn’t sit through the entirety of circle time. Of course there are children who cannot sit in a chair throughout circle time  — some children are not yet able to sit still for that long — they have not had the chance to build and practice that skill (hence, pre-school?). Sometimes it’s easy to forget where our children are developmentally and adjust our expectations accordingly. Instead of becoming frustrated, this teacher needed to remember that he was just 3 — and to adjust her expectations to help him to learn how to calm his body for longer periods of time, step by step.

3) Manage the Environment. There are definitely ways to manage the environment to reduce sensory overload. For instance:

• How many toys are available at once?

• Is loud music playing or is the television on?

• Is the temperature in your house comfortable for both you and your child?

• Does your child have opportunities for physical play?

• What other background noises permeate the house?

While we can’t completely manage the space — and nor should we since our children live in a loud and hectic world — we can become more aware of the sensory world we create in our own house. Becoming aware of the impact can have on our child (especially if they have some kind of sensory sensitivity as many neurodivergent children do) helps us to respond more consciously and create a calmer, more supportive space.

4) Track Behaviors & Assess the Moment. It is definitely helpful to track behaviors if they are frequent. Do meltdowns occur consistently under the same circumstances or time? Patterns like these are the easiest to track and address. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was always that simple? Unfortunately it typically doesn’t work that way with children. While pinpointing specific triggers can guide us toward effective strategies, behavior often reflects more than just the moment and we must look beyond identifying that observable trigger.

There is a saying, “My cup is full,” meaning, “I’ve had enough, I can’t handle

anymore, I’m done.” Our children have their own cups. And like us, they have their

limits. We generally know when our cups are about full. It is helpful to understand

just how big our child’s cup is, when it nears it’s spill point and what happens when it

runs over. It’s helpful to know how big their cup is and behaviors that may indicate

they are close to their spill point.

Other considerations is to look at timing - both time of day and where you in your daily

routine. And what the immediate mood of the child is - are we asking our children to do

something that is often challenging for them even when they are at their best? Or are

they already overtired, grumpy, irritable? Have they had a busy, long or stressful day,

will this additional challenge put them over the edge?

In the beginning it can be useful to write down what you see or reflect on these

questions. It takes a little bit of time. But eventually this awareness becomes second

nature— and quick assessment can make a big difference in how we respond.

5) Adjust Your Expectations and Priorities. What’s the real priority in the moment? Do you have time to slow down or are you racing to meet a deadline? How important is it to be on time for that particular commitment? What would actually be lost if you were late? Is it worth a battle or power struggle? Maybe. But maybe not. That’s yours to decide.

Also, what is the expectation? Are our expectations truly aligned with our child’s abilities and needs? Again, only you can decide that but it’s an important question to consider. Another consideration is the amount and types of deadlines your child must meet on a daily basis. For instance, if your child is enrolled in five (or even three) activities during the week, are they physically and emotionally equipped to participate in all of them and then come home ready to handle more demands? It’s important to ask: Are these activities energizing and enjoyable for your child, or are they draining and overwhelming?

Real Life Example: My youngest took nighttime meds to counteract his daytime stimulant and help him sleep. In high school, this made his early mornings brutal. He had to wake up at 5:45am, and the meds hadn’t fully worn off. It was often an ugly ordeal to get him out of bed and se fought frequently about being late. But then I realized (after he told me about a hundred times!) that his first class was gym/orchestra and began to weigh the importance of these two classes against his late-night commitments to choir, lessons, and jazz band, which supported his goal of studying jazz in college. He was working really hard at what mattered for his future. I had to take a look at it from the perspective of long term; the work he was doing after school and at night was going to have a much more important impact on his future goals than attending gym. So, I adjusted. Once or twice a week, I let him sleep in. He still earned A’s, and the shift helped him stay focused on what really mattered. Also, my willingness to compromise encouraged him to compromise a bit to make the extra effort to get to school on time.

With practice (and, yes, it really has taken a lot of practice), I am more often able to step back, quickly notice what I’m feeling and take that breath. That pause helps me to remember the bigger picture, weigh the priorities of the moment and manage my frustration more successfully. I can then soften the tone of my voice and tension in my body and re-engage. Almost always, this effort brings down the intensity and helps my child soften too.

We can't control our children's behavior but we can equip ourselves with the tools needed to manage the moment.

I am not going to say it’s easy — it’s not. But I’m able to feel better about myself for doing so. And isn’t that important too?