Time for Bed! "When One More Story" Isn't Really About the Story

Bedtime can be a time of struggle for parents and children of all ages. And it is the easiest and most predictable way for a child to exert his or her control, leading to tension and power struggles. Because of this, bedtime can be an emotionally charged situation for everyone involved.

For many parents, bedtime is not the end of their day (it is, however, the end of their child’s day!). Often there are still tasks to finish or work brought home to be done. Or maybe it’s time for you to relax and unwind and/or spend time with your partner? Or, as with so many parents I knew when their children were young, maybe it’s time for you to crash as well (how many of us have fallen asleep with their child each night?).

For your child, bedtime can be filled with many opportunities to exert their control and independence because it is so laden with tasks and ritual. It is a concrete scenario in which a child can just say ‘no!’ to pajamas or lights out or a multitude of other bedtime elements. There is also the procrastination element that helps a child to exert their control: “Can I have a drink of water?” “Can I have another drink of water?” “Can I have a drink of water every five minutes?” “I have to pee.” “I have to pee again.” “My bed is uncomfortable, I’m too cold, I’m too hot.” “Just one more story?” “Can I sleep with you?” (That’s a whole other issue to be addressed in a future blog.) As repetitive as these requests can be, there are reasons behind these requests and trying to understand those reasons is an important step in eradicating it.

THE PARENT’S PART

First of all, Let’s see if we can change our mindset about our approach. Is this a chore and approach with apprehension or something that is enjoyable (and both are common)? For young children, winding down and falling asleep is something that needs to be learned. Is it possible to re-frame the event and put it into the context of a learning experience, much like that of teaching your child to tie his shoe or how to play a board game? We often can teach our children other aspects of daily life with more patience.

Secondly, is it possible to mentally or physically prepare ourselves for the event? What would it take for us, personally, to maintain our composure and calm when the process takes a left turn into chaos? As I wrote above, how can we re-frame the objective so that we can be more patient? Or can some other tool that you use in other situations be of support here? Do you utilize aspects of mindfulness or deep breathing in other areas of your life? What works when you are faced with stress throughout your day?

Thirdly, let’s give ourselves a bit of grace and take the stress of success or anxiety about chaos out of the mix. Remember that all parents struggle with this hot-button issue at some point. This is not a referendum on your parenting skills. Your neighbor across the street with those perfect kids may be embroiled in a power struggle around teeth brushing at the same time. Let’s be compassionate toward ourselves when we lose it and remember that there will be another chance tomorrow night. Wouldn’t you offer compassion to your friend who is reporting this same difficulty? Can you allow yourself that same support?

THE CHILDREN’S PART & UNDERLYING REASONS

In order to better manage this challenge (and if it goes smoothly in your household - how wonderful!), there are considerations to take into account and ways to address different elements of the process. Your child’s temperament is paramount (as well as yours). Also, determining what is the underlying reason for their reluctance to turn out the light and go to sleep can be crucial. Is it an issue of:

1. Fear of something that goes bump in the night

2. Fear of separation; that you will go away and not return

3. A perfect opportunity to exert control

4. Over stimulation due to activities immediately prior to bedtime

5. Lack of focus on our part (are we distracted with our phones or an unfinished task)

6. Something else - and what might that be

Figuring out what is beneath the behavior can go a long way in finding ways to deal with it and an approach that could work better.

ELEMENTS OF BEDTIME

With all that, let’s break down different steps involved in the bedtime process and see if anything can be tweaked to make it smoother. Break down the process into the small steps you use to prepare your child.

1. They need to move upstairs (or to their bedroom)

2. They need to brush their teeth, wash their face, take a shower or bath (whatever hygiene you require)

3. They need to change their clothes into pajamas

4. You might include a story or reading time for older children

5. Lights out

Can anything be re-arranged? Can your child go to his room immediately following dinner to play (or read or watch something for older children) there? Can you move hygiene time earlier so that it does not immediately precede and signal bedtime? Can any of these steps be re-arranged? Or, anything be skipped? Is it non-negotiable that your child wear his pajamas to bed?

Some parents find that bedtime is the time when their children want to talk about their day (you couldn’t have told me all this at dinner?). It’s true that this could be a ruse to stay up later, but other times it is because it is quiet time, they are relaxed and their mind is reviewing the days happenings. If this is the case, can you can build in time for this process each night - let it become part of the ritual? If you are ready to turn out the lights and leave and your child begins to talk, resentment can build up as it seems they are trying to manipulate you and keep you beyond the time you have allotted for this.

TRICKS & TOOLS

There are many tools out there, products to try, strategies to experiment with.

1. First of all, Try to stay as calm and relaxed, speak quietly. As I always say, be sensitive to and aware of your tone of voice. A quiet and soothing voice can help a child to relax.

2. Maybe they go to their bedrooms right after dinner. It becomes a ritual. Play can happen in the bedroom. That way it takes away the first challenge - getting them up to their bedroom.

3. Put your phone down and focus entirely on the process of bedtime. A distracted parent usually produces a distracted child.

4. If it is possible to develop a consistent routine, that will help children to understand the process. Of course, when everybody is busy and it can be tricky if you are taking care of multiple children. Do what you can and try not to be too hard on yourself. You are doing the best you can.

5. Check out books, magazines and online articles. There are lots of tips and strategies you can try. See if one fits or if you can tweak an idea to work for you.

6. There are lots of tools and products that can be helpful (white noise machine, revolving lights on the ceiling, weighted blankets, etc). Experiment and see if and what works for your child. Leave a soft light on for 30 minutes? Check out nightlights, ceiling lights, etc.

7. Sometimes music or recorded stories can help. Some guided meditations could be useful for older children.

8. If you have tried many things and not found been successful, work with a coach to determine the specific needs of your child and your family. Books and articles will give great ideas. But it’s up to you to apply them in a way that works.

I would urge you not to use story time as a reward or consequence. Bedtime is too precious to use story/snuggle time as a reward or consequence. When your child is a bit older and doesn’t need as much support, a reward system might be appropriate (I will be publishing a blog about sticker charts and behavioral strategies in the near future).

OLDER CHILDREN

Bedtime can be a challenge even when your children get older. You decide when and how much independence your child is able to handle. You don’t have to follow traditional guidelines for sleep - there are no ‘rules’ out there that work for everybody. So you need to come up with your own criteria. The ultimate determination of success is how they function on the amount of sleep they get. Experts easily determine how many hours of sleep each age should get. But this is only a guide and you and your child can determine what works for the family. Can they get up in the morning? Can they be pleasant (or at least not rude) in the morning? Get ready for school and stay awake throughout the day? You are the one to determine the criteria for sleep success - not the experts. Determine what is negotiable and non-negotiable and then have a conversation with you tween or teen. What does she consider reasonable and why? Remember that this can be a learning opportunity - eventually they will have to make these decisions on their own.

Yoga? Night light? Quiet music? Recorded stories?

Also - let’s remember…. Bedtime may be an issue right now (and for an extended period of time) but it will not be a lifetime issue. At some point, your children will learn to go to bed themselves and gain their own independence around this issue. And you will have your own time back again (and possibly miss the cuddling?).