SO YOU’RE GETTING A DIVORCE? This is what I need from you...

Dear Mom and Dad,

This is all very hard for me to understand. You tell me that you want a divorce. You tell me we will still be a family. You tell me you both still love me. And you tell me we will get through this transition as a family. If this is true, then there are some things I need from you. If you are to help me understand and cope with the emotional explosion that is going on in my head and my body, I need you to move with intention and sensitivity. Remember that my well being is a priority above all else in this process. So here is some advice that will help me as we all move through this transition that will affect me profoundly.

Please be honest with me. I need to trust that what you say is true. If I can’t trust you with this life changing event, our relationship could be inextricably damaged.

Don’t speak to me like I am an adult or your friend. I am your child. I understand things differently than you do. I process things differently than you do. I may seem smart, but my emotional development still has a long way to go. Please speak to me with language I understand at my age.

Don’t overwhelm me with details. Keep it simple and concise. I don’t need to sit through a long conversation about what went wrong, how hard it was to come to this decision and how painful it is to do this.

I am not your therapist. Work through any issues you have individually or together before you talk with me. Do the work yourself so that I don’t have to. I can’t bear the weight of your anger, regret, guilt or sadness. It’s yours to carry. Work it out yourself. I have plenty of my own. What I need is to know that I am safe, that you will protect me from your emotional fallout and that you will not abandon me.

I am not your messenger. Communicate with each other directly - don’t include me. Again, it’s not my job. Figure out how to get information to each other so that you don’t fight in front of me - email, texts, voice mails, brief conversations, phone calls. Whatever works - just keep me out of it.

Don't overload me with too much information. If I only let you get halfway through this ‘prepared speech’ respond with kindness and understand that I may be able to only take in a certain amount of information or emotional overload at a time. I don’t need to know everything all at once. That may be what you need but it may not be what I need. There will be plenty of time for further conversations. At my pace. And whether or not I ask questions now, I will have questions later. I may even ask you the same questions over and over as I try to make sense of this. Please be patient and answer over and over and over - as many times as I need. As I get older, mature, and life experiences and relationships shape my perspective, I may want to talk about your divorce again and in more detail. When I do ask questions, answer as honestly as you can.

Be prepared for me to lash out or say hurtful things. I might plead and threaten or blame one of you for breaking up our family. Anticipate my difficult questions, prepare yourself and plan how to respond as much as possible. This will help you to control your responses. Intention and preparation will go a long way when I say:

• If you love me, why can’t you stay together?

• What did I do wrong? Is this my fault?

• I promise I won’t be bad. Will that make things better?

• Don’t you love each other anymore?

• Did one of you do something bad?

• This is your fault. You are breaking our family up!

• You don’t care about me!

• If you cared about me, you wouldn’t do this.

• I hate you!

Be open to listening to me even if it breaks your heart.

I will want to know what things will change (places of living, routines, visitations, family events) and what will stay the same (your presence and love in my life). It will help if you two could talk about these details with each other ahead of time and have some kind of plan or response ready. Even if you don’t know all the answers, knowing that you are on the same page with your thinking will help me to feel less afraid of the unknown. A single message and consistency can help to bring order to my inner chaos.

Oh, and remember to make sure I realize the divorce is not because of me. I may blame myself at some point. And if I am allowed to go down that rabbit hole by myself, lots of bad things could eventually happen to my emotional functioning.

Watch out for any warning signals that I may give off. Some of them might include:

• Not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much

• Acting out, disrespect or angry outbursts

• Substance abuse

• Changing friends or staying away from home for longer times

• Distraction or acting out in school

• Falling grades or apathy about my grades

• Withdrawal from one or both of you

• Withdrawal from my activities

• Diving intensely into technology, gaming or AI

If I start to exhibit any of these behaviors, notice it. Track it. Get me help. Sooner than later. It may save my life.

Whatever you do, DON’T make me choose between the two of you. Don’t speak badly about the other in front of me - even when you are speaking with friends or family. You have to work as a team and that means not fighting in front of me. Be supportive of my time spent with each of you. You don’t have to like each other but you have to be respectful of each other when it comes to me.

Show up for me. I need both of you to stay in my life. Ask me questions. While I may or may not answer, the questions themselves are important. They tell me you are curious about me. Be involved. Don’t wait for me to come to you or start a conversation. Email, texts & coming to my school events or activities will all be important ways to stay connected and reassure me you will stay in my life. You cannot overemphasize how much you love me or repeat it too much. Even if I tell you it’s annoying or whine that "I know—”! I may reject it - but I still need it. Show up - that is how I know you love me.

I hope you are able to hear what I say so that you can work hard and support me as we all go through this life changing event. I love you both.

Your Child

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS FOR PARENTS:

One of the big struggles for children during this transition is feeling a loss of control. You can help with that. Talk to them, listen to them. Reflect what you see in their faces or behavior. Don’t wait for them to open up - you need to start the conversation. Here are some suggestions you can use. Use your own words so you sound genuine. And try to gauge timing on their time - not yours.

“I understand this may be scary or sad for you. I am here to help you through it.”

“Your feelings are not unusual - this is a big deal and you are bound to have lots of confusing feelings. I can listen. I can help you sort them out”

“You may worry about letting me know how extreme or overwhelming your feelings are. Don’t worry - I will handle them.”

“I am available for questions and will answer them as honestly as I can.”

“I may mistakes through this transition. This is new to me too. Let’s work through them together.”

Allow your child to love you both. If your child expresses anger about the other parent to you, don’t join in. Try to support their relationship and time spent with the other parent. Don’t ask them to take sides.

Keep in contact with your child’s teacher, therapist, coach or other important adults in their life. They can help keep an eye on your child, tune into any changes and provide opportunities for them to talk. Your child may not want to talk to you. As hard as it can be, another trusted adult may be able to offer the emotional distance they need in order to provide the necessary support. Allow this and try to tolerate any jealousy, betrayal or resentment you may feel.

Be prepared to go over this again and again and again - as many times as your child needs no matter how redundant it feels. Try to be as consistent as possible in your responses and be aware of your tone of voice and temperament. Remember that your child needs to feel that you are a safe space and will protect them.

Seek the support of a Parenting Coach. A coach can support you and your child(ren) through this life-changing transition. With you, they can help you develop ways to reduce stress, strengthen communication with your children, create balanced boundaries and help your child feel safe, supported, and understood during a challenging time

Reach out if you'd like guidance for yourself and your child as you move through this next chapter.

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